Choking the pretzel

[Gregory Sutter <gsutter@zer0.org>]

Sorry (well, not really) if nobody except me finds this funny in
the slightest.  

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/choking.shtml

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CORRECTION: BUSH FAINTS AFTER HOKING "THE" PRETZEL, NOT CHOKING "ON"
PRETZEL

Presidential History Replete with Euphemisms for Staring at the Stars

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) ? White House spokesman Ari Fleischer
today said a miscommunication with the President's medical staff
inadvertently caused a report to circulate stating President Bush
fainted after choking "on" a pretzel. The President, Fleischer said,
actually fainted after choking "the" pretzel.

"It's a simple mistake, and no, I'm not going to explain what it means,"
Fleischer said.

Doctors explained that episodes of fainting during such an activity are
not unusual, but added the euphemism "choking the pretzel" appears to be
new. However, according to presidential historian Michael Garvey-Hart,
President Bush is most likely borrowing from one of his heroes,
President Theodore Roosevelt, who often used the term "spanking the
pretzel" to describe incidents in which he was tickling his teddy.

While the vigorous Roosevelt was not known to have blacked out during
his tenure, Garvey-Hart noted that fainting while staring at the stars
is not at all uncommon, particularly among world leaders known for their
hands- on styles.

"In the 1980s, Great Britain's Prime Minister John Major once spent six
hours in hospital after losing consciousness while noodling No. 10, and
former Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori was said to have spent three
full days face down on the floor after paneling Machu Picchu," he said.

As is likely to be the case with Bush, most such incidents have little
impact on world events, but Doris Greyley, author of "Dishonorable
Discharge: The Rise and Fall of Dictators," said many leaders in crisis
have found themselves grabbing the veins of power at unpropitious times,
often with disastrous results.

"Soviet Premier Joseph Stalin was apparently quite fond of what he
called 'pounding the peasant,' and he often suggested that his generals
participate," said Greyley. "Unfortunately, he didn't explain the
activity clearly, and his generals thought he was issuing a national
policy directive."

At other times, however, the practice has proven fortuitous. For many
years, she said, it was thought President Kennedy's threat of war is
what mitigated the Cuban missile crisis. But Greyley said documents
brought to light with the fall of the Soviet Union show that Nikita
Kruschev actually lost his nerve after passing out while cranking the
Kremlin.

And Greyley believes her research has cleared up another historical
mystery. "You know the 18- minute gap on the Watergate tapes? That
wasn't a gap," she said. "You can hear breathing."

Copyright � 1999-2002, SatireWire.

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Greg
-- 
Gregory S. Sutter                   Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm
mailto:gsutter@zer0.org             for a day.  Set a man on fire, and he'll
http://www.zer0.org/~gsutter/       be warm for the rest of his life. 
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