[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next][Date Index][Thread Index]

Bill GAtes To Get Half

http://www.theonion.com/onion2924/billgates.html

      REDMOND, WA--In a move designed to hasten the inevitable,
billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from
now on, he will be getting half.

      Gates, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his Microsoft
corporation to the top of the business world and made him America's
richest man with an estimated fortune of $18 billion, announced his plan
at a press conference yesterday from his Seattle-area compound. "I get
half," he explained.

      It has not yet been decided if Gates' half will be taken straight
down the middle or by liquidating all assets and dividing up raw
capital. The question will be settled later this week by a special
session of Gates' half of the U.S. Congress.

      "Don't touch anything until you're sure it's not part of my half,"
Gates instructed the world's citizenry yesterday via the several million
40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout the globe.
"I don't want anyone messing up stuff in my half."

      Until everything can be clearly divided between Gates and persons
who are not Gates, measures will be taken to ensure the integrity of
Gates' half.

      Citizens are instructed to remain in their homes, consuming a
carefully monitored minimum of their perishables and subjecting their
personal possessions to as little wear and tear as possible. 

      In the event something belonging to Gates is consumed or damaged,
Gates announced he will take punitive action, levying fines of up to $14
billion, and may even insist that offenders themselves be included in
his half. 

      "Don't take from my half," the 36-year-old Gates said. "Ice cream
and cool cars are part of my half." Gates also expressed interest in
possessing Apple, IBM and the former Soviet Union. 

      "You know, I own the Bettman Archive," Gates said. "You can't look
at it unless I say so." 

      Gates' half will be collected via an advanced subroutine built
directly into Windows 95. Computer users without Windows 95 will have it
automatically sent to them, with the cost of the program deducted from
their half. 

      Those without computers will be directed to special Gates-owned
DNA-resequencing centers where a special bio-silicate form of Windows 95
will be injected directly into their bloodstreams. Once in the
bloodstream, the Windows program is designed to breed virally at the
base of its host brainstem and to begin work on calculating Gates' half. 

      "Everyone must contribute to my half," Gates said. "Any number, no
matter how small, can be divided into two halves, one of which will be
mine." 

      Gates would not comment on the possibility of eventually
increasing his share from a mere half to a controlling interest. 

      Sources close to Gates would neither confirm nor deny rumors that
Gates might offer up to 15 percent of his half in exchange for the other
half of the world. 

      "The transitional period may be difficult," Gates said. "But it
will be quick. I hope that this time will be remembered pleasantly in
the half of people's minds that remain their own." 


-- 
Gregory S. Sutter                       "How do I read this file?"
mailto:[email protected]                "You uudecode it."
http://www.pobox.com/~gsutter/          "I I I decode it?"

===
This message was sent to mph-humor.  No guarantees of actual humor are
provided.  Archives and instructions for subscribing or unsubscribing
are available from http://mph124.rh.psu.edu/~hunt/humor .