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mph-humor Digest V97 #14
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mph-humor Digest Volume 97 : Issue 14
Today's Topics:
Re: Department of Justice drops suit against Microsoft
Re: Apple halts Rhapsody development
State of Tennessee sues Microsoft
Apple halts development of NeXT-based OS
Bill Gates to leave Microsoft
[comp.windows.x.announce] Announcing X13 Release 2
Strange buzzing sound in computer mouse caused by solar wind
Apple Plays that Funky Music
[comp.security.ssh] patch for ssh-1.2.18
Fwd: You've got to love the press
(fwd) It's all in your mind
(fwd) HIGHER SOURCE RAISES STAKES IN INTERNET INDUSTRY
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In article <[email protected]>, James wrote...
>
>SEATTLE, April 1: The Federal Department of Justice decided today
>to drop its suit against Microsoft. Several software companies,
>most notably Corel, were outraged at the decision.
>
>At the heart of the issue is the processor utilization inherent
>in Microsoft's new Windows 98 operating system. According to
>charges by Corel, programs that do not identify themselves to
>the system as "Microsoft Acceptable" are allocated at most one
>out of every ten processor cycles.
>
>A high level Corel exec stated, "It makes it like you're running
>a 386 instead of a 200 Mhz Pentium."
>
>Microsoft has never denied the policy. According to one manager,
>"There's nothing wrong with using our operating system to leverage
>our applications in the market. If other companies don't like it,
>they can either move to markets that we don't want, or they can
>code their programs for other operating systems, like OS/2, the
>Mac OS,..." (ed: at this point the manager succumbed to a fit
>of laughter).
>
>The Department of Justice found Microsoft's arguments compelling,
>adding that, "the companies involved assured their own problems
>designing applications for an operating system owned by a company
>with competing applications. The Department of Justice found that
>there was really no case to be made."
>
>Macintosh advocate George G. observed, "It was really the only way
>Microsoft could make their apps run at speeds comparable to other
>companies' apps."
>
>James W. added, "It's gotta be an April Fools joke."
>
>(to send me e-mail, remove .nospam from the address)
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One of my own fake press releases (to be submitted to mph humor shortly) has
now been invalidated by another fake press release.
In article <[email protected]>, Phil wrote:
>
>Eric Bennett <[email protected]> wrote:
>: CUPERTINO, California. April 1, 1997. In a dramatic and unexpected
>: move, Apple Computer CEO Dr. Gilbert F. Amelio announced this morning
>: that Apple was halting development of its upcoming Rhapsody operating
>: system but gave few details about its replacement.
>>SNIP<
>
>Sorry -- Amelio has been replaced. See the following news item:
>
>
>> For Release
>> April 1, 1997
>>
>> CUPERTINO, CA -- Apple Computers announced today that the company has
>> purchased naming rights to the San Jose Arena, home of the San Jose
>> Sharks hockey team.
>>
>> Apple announced that the arena will called the Mac Arena. "We know
>> that every time people say that name, they will think of us," said
>> new Apple Chairman Larry Ellison.
>>
>> Apple paid a reported $20 million dollars for the rights to control
>> the name of the arena for three years commencing April 1, 1997. "It
>> all just fit perfectly," said Ellison. "The Sharks and the Macintosh
>> are both doing really well."
>>
>> In a related announcement, Apple named O.J. Simpson spokesperson for
>> the company. "After all the bloodletting at Apple, we had to have
>> somebody the public associates with a comeback," said Ellison. "We
>> think O.J. will work in well with hockey at the Mac Arena." As part
>> of the package, Apple announced a partnership with Mr. Simpson and
>> Bruno Magli shoes. "We will have photographs of Mr. Simpson wearing
>> their shoes at VIP events in the Mac Arena," according to Ellison.
>> "The tag line will be 'For important events, it's O.J. and Bruno Magli
>> -- shoes so comfortable, you'll forget you're wearing them.'"
>>
>> SOURCE CHUMP Media Corp.
>> -0- 4/1/97
>> Contact: Katy Woolover 408-555-1212
>
>
>--
>Phil Stripling |Sorry to make it difficult to reply
>The Civilized Explorer |but you know what needs to be removed
>http://www.cieux.com/~philip/
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MEMPHIS, Tennessee. April 1, 1997. The state's Attorney General
stated today that he was filing suit against Redmond, Washington,
based software giant Microsoft on behalf of the city of Memphis.
Although the lawsuit had been expected for some time, the nature of
the lawsuit came as a surprise to industry observers, who had been
expecting an anti-trust suit similar to the one recently filed by the
state of Texas.
"The charge is slander," he said. "Microsoft has continued its
practice of code-naming its products with the names of cities.
Microsoft's code named for its upgrade to Windows 95, commonly
referred to outside of Microsoft as Windows 97, is Memphis. Given the
utter silliness of this upgrade, which introduces nothing of true
substance but which will probably be bought in droves by consumers, we
have decided that Microsoft will have to change its code name. Cairo
and Chicago have sustained the insults, but we intend to make it clear
that Microsoft will not get away with slandering fine cities in this
state."
Legal analysts said the case seemed unlikely to succeed. Mr. Richard
Banks, a local attorney, pointed out that equally embarrassing
associations of Microsoft with the city of Nashville had not been
challeneged. "The state may have damaged the legitimacy of its case
by not providing equal protection for both cities," he said. But more
importantly, he observed that a similar lawsuit by the late astronomer
Carl Sagan against Apple Computer had failed. "If Apple couldn't be
beaten over this issue, I don't think Microsoft will," he concluded.
These potential problems did not concern the state. "We are convinced
that our claims are legitimate," a spokesman for the Attorney
General's office said at a press conference. "It is unfair for
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates to be able to drive down property values in
the state of Tennessee with a mere wave of his hand. Our entire
argument is really very simple--if Microsoft lowered the property
values in your neighborhood through slander, you'd sue too."
--
Eric Bennett ( [email protected] ; http://www.pobox.com/~ericb )
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
-Robert Benchley
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CUPERTINO, California. April 1, 1997. In a dramatic and unexpected
move, Apple Computer CEO Dr. Gilbert F. Amelio announced this morning
that Apple was halting development of its upcoming Rhapsody operating
system but gave few details about its replacement.
Dr. Amelio said, "Recent rumors have surfaced that we were actually
somewhat ahead of schedule on Rhapsody and had even begun development
as soon as the NeXT purchase looked probable. I want to send a clear
signal today that Rhapsody will not be delivered ahead of schedule, or
delivered at all. It was, in fact, never our intention to do so. We
bought NeXT in order to kill its technology to keep it from being a
competitive threat, and we will return to our traditional state of
having no definable plan for a future OS."
In a separate briefing, former CTO Ellen Hancock outlined the plans
for the replacement strategy. "We have learned that most large
corporations have not upgraded to Windows 95," she said, "and we
therefore believe that in order to improve Apple's market share, we
must provide a Windows 3.1-like solution." Apple plans to buy the
source code to Windows 3.1 from Microsoft for $400 million, she said.
Although Hancock would not commit to a timetable for delivery of the
operating system, anonymous sources inside Apple said that a
developer's release would be ready in time for the May developer's
conference. "Granted, DR1 will probably just be SoftWindows running
on top of the current MacOS," he said, "but we think it's more
important to get something into developers' hands quickly." According
to this source, the upcoming OS -- code-named Requiem -- will ship to
users on Feb 29, 2000. Although some observers argued about whether
the calendar rules permit this date to exist, others were not worried,
since many PCs are expected to have problems keeping the correct date
past the turn of the century anyway, and asked, "Why worry about
February 29 when you can't even get past the first of January?"
Typical of analysts' mixed reactions were comments by Macintosh
industry observer Peter Heartsoak. "We suspected that Apple was
simply trying to get rid of competition when it bought NeXT," he said.
"Even Dr. Amelio can't be crazy enough to really want Steve Jobs back
at Apple. He would have preferred to get rid of Be, Inc., but their
price was too high. Jobs is probably eager for revenge on the company
that ejected him and was willing to lower his price for NeXT to get is
malevolent foot back in the door." Although the announcement leaves
Apple with no clear OS strategy, Heartsoak was not concerned. "Apple
has survived the past few years without articulating a strong strategy
and will no doubt muddle through a few more, although the choice of
Requiem as the code name for the new product is somewhat disturbing,"
he concluded.
--
Eric Bennett ( [email protected] ; http://www.pobox.com/~ericb )
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
-Robert Benchley
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REDMOND, Washington. April 1, 1997. In a telephone interview from an
undisclosed location, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates this morning announced
that he was resigning from the company he founded. "The challenges
are all gone," he said. "We've proven that we can simply copy better
ideas when they come along, and people will always wait for us to
catch up. Copying other companies may bring us a lot of money, but
it's boring." Mr. Gates admitted to one other reason for his
departure, however. "I can't contain myself anymore. The way
consumers have so often followed Microsoft just because it's Microsoft
has always made me want to laugh out loud. With Windows 95, I have
been just barely able to avoid bursting out in inane laughter whenever
the product is mentioned. But I'm afraid that when consumers scramble
to buy Windows 98, which is even less of an improvement that 95 was
over 3.1, I just won't be able to hold it in any longer, and that
could be bad for the company. So I'm leaving now."
Microsoft officials offered no reaction except to say that they
planned to release a previously taped session of Gates laughing
hysterically later this aftertoon. Industry analysts were not
surprised by the move. Lem Ing, a spokesman for the Gardener Group,
said that he was impressed by Mr. Gates' self control. "I would have
succumbed as far back as the release of Windows 3.1," he observed.
"There is a slight chance that consumers would react negatively to
being directly insulted. Certainly given the history of the market
this is a very slim chance, but Microsoft hasn't survived this far by
taking chances. The move is understandable."
The departure has left the future of Microsoft's leadership up in the
air. Neither Gates nor VP Steve Ballmer could be reached for further
information later this morning. At Microsoft headquarters, the
whereabouts of the top executives was uncertain, although a security
guard said that he had overheard a conversation between Gates and
Microsoft legal counsel William Neukom in which the former CEO
mentioned "airline tickets to Uruguay for all of us."
--
Eric Bennett ( [email protected] ; http://www.pobox.com/~ericb )
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
-Robert Benchley
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From: [email protected] (X13 Project Team)
Newsgroups: comp.windows.x.announce
Subject: Announcing X13 Release 2
Date: 1 Apr 97 21:38:15 GMT
Organization: OSF Gateway
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Release 2 of X13 is now available world wide and globally.
Drawing on revolutionary breakthroughs in heuristic programming, fractal
compression techniques, and pico-protocols, after three months of intense
design and furious 24x7 programming, the X13 Project Team is pleased to
announce X13, Release 2, previously known by its code name, "Blizzard."
"This represents such an advance in technology we had to go to X13," said
Nigel Tufnel, Chief Architect, "it has all the features of the unreleased
X12 and then some, so we had to call it X13."
Introducing the notion of virtual clients, X13 incorporates the latest
advances in diet computing to produce the ultimate in thin clients. No
more waiting to download even thin clients, virtual clients are virtually
instantaneous, and are either there or they're not.
Bob Scheifler, Director of New Product Development at Ralston-Purina said:
"This technology represents a whole new breed of software development and
distribution. Ralston-Purina is basing its entire Internet strategy on the
Blizzard technology suite. I feel comfortable with basing our mission
critical Chow-Direct system on Release 2 as this represents a mature
technology, at least in dog years, and we should know."
Like all prior X releases X13 Release 2 is freely available, and this
time you really get what you pay for. The X13 Project Team would like to
thank all of the sites world wide that are participating in the release
of the software.
** FTP SITES PROVIDING RELEASE 2
(Additional mirror sites will become available shortly; please check
your favorite site first.)
North America anonymous FTP:
Host Directory
---- ---------
ftp.x13.org (198.112.44.100) /pub/X13R2
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- To: Humor List <[email protected]>
- Subject: Strange buzzing sound in computer mouse caused by solar wind
- From: Matthew Hunt <[email protected]>
- Date: 01 Apr 1997 20:47:40 -0500
I just love this holiday. Another from comp.risks.
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Date: Tue, 1 Apr 1997 14:35:04 -0800
From: Martin Minow <[email protected]>
Subject: Strange buzzing sound in computer mouse caused by solar wind
A technically detailed article in the Swedish newspaper, Svenska Dagbladet
(published 1 Apr 1997; http://www.svd.se/svd/lasvart/solvind.html) explains
that the unusually high levels of cosmic radiation (so-called "solar wind")
augmented by the presence of Comet Hale-Bopp is causing computer problems,
including strange ticking and buzzing sounds that can often be heard if you
hold a computer mouse to your ear. This is especially true if you first
click on a Java applet. Svenska Dagbladet's researchers note that (1) solar
wind strengths are unusually high for this time of the year, (2) the near
presence of Comet Hale-Bopp may appear to focus the radiation or,
alternatively, reflect it in a currently unknown manner, says researcher
Torkel Willdmark. (3) Because it stretches around the world, the Internet
comprises a gigantic antenna that, combined with the increasing number of
digital superhighways, strengthens the signal. All together, this results
in strange sounds that sometimes sound like extremely soft human speech.
Svenska Dagbladet recommends that web-surfers empty their browser cache
memory frequently to prevent the accumulation of this signal. This need
only be done for the next few weeks -- until the comet has left the earth's
vicinity.
To determine whether you are affected by this problem, Svenska Dagbladet
recommends that you move your computer's cursor over a Java applet, then
turn off nearby radios and other noise sources. Then, hold the computer
mouse to your ear: if you are affected by the solar wind problem, you should
hear a soft hiss or buzz from the mouse. Clicking the mouse while it is to
your ear, making sure that the cursor is over a Java applet, may make the
problem more apparent.
Svenska Dagbladet has a test page (accessible to English speakers) at
http://www.svd.se/svd/lasvart/solvind.html and a sample of the sound at
http://www.svd.se/svd/lasvart/comet.wav
Translated and summarized by Martin Minow [email protected]
[I note that mouse in Swedish is mus and apple is a"ppel;
in German, Apple is Apfel, while Apfelmus is applesauce --
not applemouse. It mus' be a combination of solar winds and Hale Bopp
that caused the \344 character for the second letter of Mats Naslund's
last name in RISKS-19.01 to cause the entire issue to be bounced by a
bunch of systems unable to deal with 8-bit to 7-bit conversions.
Let me know if you did not receive your copy and you cannot ftp it. PGN]------- End of forwarded message -------
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[email protected] (Brian Kendig) wrote:
=======================================================
Apple Plays That Funky Music
MOVED OVER PR NEWSWIRE AT 12:00 AM PST, TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 1997
CUPERTINO, California--April 1, 1997--Apple Computer, Inc., today
announced three new releases of the Mac OS operating system software,
designed "for those people who just can't get enough of System 7."
The new versions will follow in Apple's tradition of naming operating
system releases after musical styles:
o "Disco", Mac OS version 7.'77, will offer an interface which
is intended to remind the user of the hip "Saturday Night Fever"
dance craze twenty years ago. Features will include "boogie down"
menus and popular 70's cultural icons, and "Stayin' Alive" --
Apple's new theme song -- will play continuously in the background.
Quicktimes of famous "The Partridge Family" and "Eight Is Enough"
episodes will be included on separate high-density eight-track tape
media. "Travolta", a new system extension based on Aaron, will
further enhance the user experience by adding flashing color lights
and big spinning mirrored balls.
o "Polka", Mac OS version 7 dot 7 dot seven dot dot seven eight dot
dot dot oh, will change all of the system beeps to accordian music.
Unfortunately, early reports tell that the performance of this
version is spotty at best.
o "Dirge", a rumored future version of the Mac OS, reportedly will
offer an all-black desktop. "The user interface people we
assimilated from NeXT came up with this idea," reports Gil Bates,
product manager at Apple. "We took it a step further so now the
interface looks the same whether or not the computer's even on."
He denied stories that this move was intended to reap licensing
fees from other computer manufacturers whose computers look similar
when turned off. The upgrade will reportedly ship with a black
armband, a set of bagpipes, and a manual printed on the backs of
Apple stock certificates. However, an unnamed Apple executive
denied the reports, saying, "We're not dead yet."
Apple Computer, founded twenty years ago today, is still alive and well,
just like John Travolta.
=======================================================
--
Eric Bennett ( [email protected] ; http://www.pobox.com/~ericb )
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
-Robert Benchley
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Yet another good one! I have deleted the patch itself due to space
considerations. I have preserved the Message-ID, so you should be
able to retrieve it if you want.
------- Start of forwarded message -------
From: [email protected] (Mitchell Blank Jr)
Newsgroups: comp.security.ssh
Subject: patch for ssh-1.2.18
Date: 1 Apr 1997 00:55:23 -0600
Organization: Exec-PC Internet - Milwaukee, WI
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Summary: troll
(My apologies for posting this to the newsgroup AND the mailing list.
Obviously it's timely information)
Here is my patch to ssh-1.2.18 to implement rot13 encryption. To use it,
you need to configure --with-rot13. It is off by default.
Enjoy, and happy holiday.
-Mitchell Blank Jr
[email protected]
Exec-PC, Systems Administration
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========================================
>From Reuters Ltd:
HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - Pity the Economist: It knows not what it slams. The
haughty British financial and political magazine claimed in its March 22
issue that the Brad Pitt/Harrison Ford starrer The Devil's Own from
Columbia Pictures was ``suffering'' at the box office. Problem was that
the film didn't open until March 26.
Reuters/Variety (C) Reuters Ltd. All rights reserved
========================================
--
Eric Bennett ( [email protected] ; http://www.pobox.com/~ericb )
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
-Robert Benchley
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On Tue, 1 Apr 97 19:20:02 EST, in rec.humor.funny.reruns
[email protected] (Jim Horne) wrote:
The Pope and one of his top cardinals were taking a long train ride one
day. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle, and the cardinal was
reading the Bible. Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal, "What's a four
letter word for `woman' ending in ..u..n..t?"
The startled cardinal stammered for a bit, then said,
"Uh.. er.. aunt! Yes, aunt!"
"Oh, of course. Got an eraser?"
--
>From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and
Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup
rec.humor.funny. Visit http://comedy.clari.net/rhf to browse the RHF
pages
and archives on the web.
Rec.humor.funny and RHF.reruns are provided by ClariNet, publisher of
the net's
largest (1.5 million paying subscriber) E-newspaper.
http://www.clari.net
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On Wed, 2 Apr 97 12:20:03 EST, in rec.humor.funny [email protected]
(Charles Forsythe) wrote:
HIGHER SOURCE RAISES STAKES IN INTERNET INDUSTRY
by Charles Forsythe
REDMOND -- Microsoft Corporation has announced plans to acquire the
Website and Internet development corporation Higher Source for an
undisclosed fee. "Higher Source has proven its commitment to strange
mind-control cults and UFO religions," said Microsoft spokeswoman,
Anita Klue,"Their willingness to kill themselves for the sake of their
technology is the kind of dynamic that Microsoft wants to promote."
In conjunction with the acquisition, Microsoft announced a new program
called "Active Cult 97", which is expected to be in place by late
1998. Active Cult aims to make the use of Microsoft technology more
of a religion-driven decision as opposed to a technology-driven
decision. "This isn't expected to be a big change for Microsoft's
customer base," explained Ms. Klue. Details of Active Cult were not
disclosed, but it was suggested that instead of crashing with the
infamous "blue screen of death" or "General Protection Fault",
Microsoft's operating systems would merely display the message
"Windows died for your sins."
Mike S. Brown, who writes about the industry in his PC Weak column
"M.S. Brown Knows" responded enthusiastically to the announcement.
"This really raises the stakes for Internet development. IBM may be
content to kill its own products, like OS/2, but Microsoft is willing
to kill its own developers and maybe even some customers. That's the
kind of bold difference that will make UNIX, OS/2 and the Mac
completely irrelevant by the end of 1996!" When is was pointed out
that 1996 was already over, Mr. Brown retorted,"No it's not! If it
was, then Microsoft would be behind schedule on Windows 97 -- which it
isn't."
An IBM employee, who asked to remain anonymous due to the fact that
the whole issue was "extremely silly," said that "IBM is committed to
the future of network computing and OS/2 is an important part of that
future." He added that,"IBM is not interested in promoting suicide.
If you want to talk about promoting suicide, talk to Microsoft's
ISVs. Can you say `Citrix'?"
Reaction amongst Windows users was generally positive. Ben de Miover,
CIO for a large company which recently switched its operations from
the Apple MacIntosh to Windows 95, explained,"Windows is really cool
because you can play Quake in, like, a window and stuff." He also
cited a complete lack of Windows 95 applications for the MacIntosh.
"How can modern business function without Windows 95 applications.
Y'know, like Quake?" In addition, he was pretty sure that OS/2 and
UNIX were "new wave bands from L.A."
Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment.
[Note - as was the representative from Higher Source - ed]
--
Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to [email protected].
If you mail to [email protected], it makes sure that your joke is
tagged
as your original work, Always attribute the source of a joke, whether
it's
you, or somebody else. For the full submission guidelines,
see http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/
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