Something to consider when voting this November...

[Gregory Sutter <gsutter@zer0.org>]

      ALTOONA, PA--During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper mill
Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an unexpected
40-minute tirade against the "not-so-great state of Pennsylvania,"
calling it "the nation's armpit" and "a total hellhole."

 Above: Gore greets diner patrons in Scranton, a city he called "the
 absolute worst place on Earth." "Over the past few days, I have
 traveled all over your state and met many of you. And what has
 impressed me most is that no matter where I have gone, my reaction has
 been the same: 'Oh, God, get me the fuck out of this dump,'" said Gore,
 who alternately referred to the Keystone State's 12 million residents
 as "animals" and "ghouls." "From Pittsburgh to Philadelphia, from
 Erie to Easton, the places and faces of Pennsylvania stand in direct
 opposition to everything that makes America great."

      Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he "couldn't
care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral votes, so long as he
"never [has] to set foot in this steaming dungheap again."

      Raising his voice and pointing at the crowd, Gore continued:
"During this presidential campaign, I have had the opportunity to
criss-cross this great land. At each stop along the way, I have been
deeply touched by the courage and conviction of the American people.
But, holy crap, you people are craven, gutless cowards. I haven't the
slightest clue what base and hideous interests of yours I could possibly
defend as your next president. I do not even vaguely know what drives
you subhuman pig-men, but I am sure I don't want to know."

      Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johnstown
Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge in the Sorghum Queen
pageant. The vice-president was overheard making numerous inflammatory
comments off-microphone, including, "Get these bitches out of here"
and, "This is someone's idea of an attractive woman?" One contestant,
attempting to present Gore with a bushel of Pennsylvania apples, was
reportedly waved aside with the words, "No. No fucking way."

      Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State Capitol in
Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania flag, shredded it with a
large hunting knife, and urinated on the shreds. He then delivered a
speech in which he shared the tales of numerous Pennsylvanians he had
encountered during his travels through the state.

Above: The skyline of Pittsburgh, which Gore called "maybe even worse
than Scranton." "Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has
touched me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of New Castle," Gore
said. "At the young age of 18, Karen married her high-school sweetheart
Jeff. Not long after, she gave birth to twins. But less than a year
later, her joy turned to the deepest grief when Jeff was killed in a
foundry accident. As young Karen looked into my eyes and whined, 'Oh,
Mr. Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford that,' I felt my very
gorge rising up the back of my throat. I mean, why do Pennsylvania's
stupid broads go and get knocked up like that?"

      Continued Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of Shippensburg,
who fought bravely in the Second World War and raised a family in a
house he built himself. When the Social Security Administration failed
Herman--because, I don't know, he needed some pills or something and
couldn't get them--he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a man that
no one could stand to be around. What a loser."

      "And, finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin Shaughnessy, who,
at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence Hall's caretaker for
the past 60 years--the longest anyone has held the auspicious post,"
Gore said. "And, between you and me, that old crank will talk for 10
hours straight if you let him and not say anything that makes any sense
whatsoever. That dude is senile, big-time."

      Added Gore, "And what's the big deal with the cheesesteak
sandwiches? They taste like shit. I wouldn't feed them to the dogs
they're probably made out of."

      Turning to sneer derisively at members of the Monongahela Drum &
Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby on the steps of the capitol,
Gore wrapped up the verbal assault.

      "Every second I spend in this dark and evil state is sheer agony,"
he said. "A second feels like a week in the presence of you monstrous
non-people. I would have left Pennsylvania long ago, but I wanted every
last one of you grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you
stand in the food chain. You are not a part of that chain. You exist
outside of the human community, and when I am in the White House, I will
make sure that the whole nation--indeed, the world--understands that
fact with no ambiguity. I will not represent you. I will not defend
you. I will allow and even invite any nation to invade and destroy
this horrible graveyard of the soul. To hell with all of you, and good
riddance."

Copyright 2000 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. http://www.theonion.com/ 

=====

Greg
-- 
Gregory S. Sutter                           Mostly Harmless
mailto:gsutter@zer0.org 
http://www.zer0.org/~gsutter/ 
PGP DSS public key 0x40AE3052

----- End forwarded message -----

-- 
Matthew Hunt <mph@astro.caltech.edu> * Touch not, lest ye
http://www.pobox.com/~mph/           * be touched.
===
This message was sent to mph-humor.  No guarantees of actual humor are
provided.  Archives and instructions are available from
<http://www.pobox.com/~mph/humor/>.