New (?) Darwin Award nominees

[Matthew Hunt <mph@pobox.com>]

The latest in the annual Darwin Award nominations.

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of)
those individuals, who through single-minded  self-sacrifice, have done
the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:

(# 1) Los Angeles, CA.  Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to
remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a
pineapple.  A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive
equivalent of  one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and
retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet
away from the hive/shed.  The concussion of the explosion shattered the
window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani.  Deciding Mr. Saduki need
stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.  While
walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving
bees.  Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and
died of suffocation enroute to the hospital.


(# 2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64,
were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New
South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said.  Their car crashed into
the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train  at a level crossing (I
guess that would be harder to miss than the side of a barn!).  The
vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages and was
dragged sideways beside the track as the train  continued towards Moree,
a police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer and
a half, they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the
spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was
struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times.
When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck
(I wonder if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off
along the railway line for help.  But he slipped on the bridge and fell
to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to
raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest
injuries.


(# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards.  According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional
revolver) to Ken's head and fired.


(# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ.  An unidentified 29 year old male choked to
death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer
at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the
dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."


(# 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a
tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.


(# 6) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the
Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it
would protected him against a knife attack.  It didn't, and the
25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians
getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)


(# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
decided to commit suicide.  He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied
a noose around his neck.  He tied the other end of the rope to a large
rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes.  He even tried
to shoot himself at the last moment.  He jumped and fired the pistol.
The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him.
Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.   The sudden
dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.  He was
dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a
hospital, where he died of hypothermia.


(# 8) RENTON, Washington, USA.  On February 3, 1990, a Renton,
Washington man tried to commit a robbery.  This was probably his first
attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of
violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns
in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
removing him from the gene pool.  Several other customers also drew
their guns, but didn't fire.  No one else was hurt.

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