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(fwd) [alt.religion.kibology] THE GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF 1997
-- forwarded message --
From: [email protected] (Dean Lenort)
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Subject: [alt.religion.kibology] THE GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF 1997
Date: 19 Jan 1998 16:27:42 +0100
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Subject: THE GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF 1997
From: [email protected] (Brian "JARAI" Chase)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.culture.us.1990s
Karlo Takki <[email protected]> wrote:
>You did forget what was, for me, the highlight of 1997:
>
>Heaven's Gate.
I would have to agree. I had almost completely forgotten about this, and
I'm not sure why. Truly, Heaven's Gate is an excellent example to be held
up in representation of what 1997 was all about. It had the cult thing,
flying saucers, apple sauce, aliens, Nike sneakers, trekkies, castration,
and HTML authoring. I believe Heaven's Gate to be the cornerstone of what
was wrong with 1997.
I submit:
THE GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF 1997
(and why it was a bad year)
+---------------- Cult <--------------------- Brainwashing <---+
| |
| +---------------> Castration ----+ |
| | | |
* v | v |
HEAVEN'S GATE +--> Hale Bop --> MmmmBop --> Hanson --+ |
^ | | |
| +-------> Baby Bop --> Barney --+-----------+ |
| | | | |
| v Spice | v |
| Baby Spice --> Girls --+ Microsoft
| | | Interactive
| v v Barney
+----------- Nike <-- Sporty Spice Regis and Kathy Lee |
| | v
+---- Rancho Santa Fe, California <----+ MIB
| |
| v
| Men in Black
| |
+------------- Flying Saucer <--------- Aliens <-----------+
With this model I illuminate many truths of this past year, but more
importantly it reveals deep under-currents of the evil heart of 1997.
[1] Heaven's Gate is the end-all be-all source and destination of
1997.
[2] Regis and Kathy Lee's Christmas day show acted as a synergy device
which combined many of the evil Heaven's Gate offshoot culture
anomalies.
[3] The Microsoft Interactive Barney doll is alien in nature and is
designed to broadcast extraterrestrial messages to the fertile minds
of the world's youth. These are the same messages which motivated
Heaven's Gate.
SPECULATIONS:
I predict that the Microsoft Interactive Barney (The MIB) will be the
primary motivator of the events which will occur in 1998. I also
believe
that one of the purposes of The MIB is to propagate a Y2K bug into the
minds of children. At midnight New Years Eve 1999, the brains of our
children will shutdown with seizures 100 times more severe than those
created by the Pokemon cartoon. They will be reverted to a near
vegetable
state requiring them to rely on Microsoft Bob for their computing
activities. This being an afterthought attempt by Microsoft to
recover
from the embarrassment and financial losses incurred by MS-Bob.
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