Introduction
We at Coneslayers understand that, as the owner of
a Low Performance Vehicle (LPV), conventional High
Performance Driving Schools do not teach you the skills that
you need. That's why we're offering our inaugural Low
Performance Driving School (LPDS).
Your LPV features enormous mass and a
high center of gravity, which confer handling
benefits rarely discussed, let alone mastered, at High
Performance Driving Schools. But Coneslayers LPDS
will set the standard for LPV instruction!
Dates, Locations, and Prices
The inaugural LPDS will be held July 13 and
14. You'll learn to operate your LPV in the
most challenging environment appropriate to your LPV: the
broad, flat freeways near Laguna
Seca, California
Speedway, and the autocross facilities of
Hollywood Park!
The cost for this two-day session is only $199 per
participant! (Participants will also be assessed a fee
for the actual cost of fuel consumed. This fee is
estimated to be $1,437 per participant.)
Session Highlight:
"About Your LPV"
In this six-hour session, you'll learn what makes your
LPV special. Topics include:
- Fuel Management: Your LPV features advanced
technology that allows it to extract energy from
fuel at a faster rate than normal cars.
Fortunately, your LPV is equipped with an gargantuan fuel
tank to permit extended operation of your LPV, in some
cases for hours at a time! The weight of all that fuel
also confers handling benefits, increasing the
effectiveness of maneuvers like The Plow.
- Ride Height: You probably bought your LPV
because it offers a commanding view of the road.
Unfortunately, new
research demonstrates that the high vantage point
results in a perception of lower speed. We'll teach you
to compensate for this disadvantage by driving
faster than the low-riding vehicles around you!
- Tire Care: Tires as big as ours need lots of
air, so keeping them properly inflated can be
time-consuming and annoying. Fortunately, there's no
need! We'll demonstrate how your LPV will sense an
underinflated tire and take the
load off of the tire by removing it from the
pavement and pointing it safely toward the sky!
School Vehicles
Thanks to the generosity of America's innovative car
manufacturers, you'll learn in some of the latest LPV
powerhouses, including the Ford Dreadnought, the
Cadillac
Escalade EXT, and the Chevy Behemoth! We're
also proud to feature the new Dodge Greenhouse, which
is setting records on the EPA fuel economy charts and can
carry eight adults along with a Honda Insight!
Skills
- LPV control: Your LPV's mass and
ride height make obsolete the skills taught at
High Performance Driving Schools. You no longer need to
learn emergency lane change skills or threshold
braking--indeed, these maneuvers can cause
your LPV to roll over. Instead, you'll learn
LPV-specific maneuvers including The Plow,
in which you take advantage of your LPV's mass to
transform smaller cars into a crush zone.
- About Your LPV: See the session highlight to
the left of this column!
- Multitasking: Today's LPVs practically
drive themselves, freeing you to concentrate on other
important tasks. We'll teach you how to talk on
your cell phone, apply makeup, watch
television, or prepare breakfast while operating
your LPV!
- Passing and interaction: One of the most
difficult parts of a High Performance Driving School is
learning to maintain an awareness of cars around you,
in order to ensure safe passing. Fortunately LPVs
make this drudgery obsolete! In lectures entitled
"Mirrors and Turn Signals: Why They Don't Matter"
and "We're Bigger Than They Are" we'll explain
how to use The Plow to ensure that you're always
in the lane you want, when you want.
- Precision maneuvering: Parking lot designers
try to discriminate against LPVs by painting "Compact"
spaces. We'll teach you how you can park in these
spaces. We don't stop with the parking, though: One of
the remaining challenges is egress from your LPV.
We'll demonstrate our patented technique of deforming
adjacent vehicles with your door in order to
produce a wide enough opening!
- Off-roading: In some cases, such as ice or
high wind, your LPV may leave the roadway. We'll show
you how to quickly get your LPV back on the
tarmac where it belongs. We'll also show you how
to take your LPV to the car wash, in case of accidental
exposure to dirt.
